i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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