apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
