I must be too annoying 4 u.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
