Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You left your phone here
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