I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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