I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
