Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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