dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
