i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
