And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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