Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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