you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I cannot find my penis.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sarcasm needs its own font
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
