Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
