I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
