Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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