I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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