LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
