the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
