i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
