what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
