Apparently you make a good broom.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
