dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
