You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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