Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
