I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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