Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
