Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
