well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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