How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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