there's paper in my vomit.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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