I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
