Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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