I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
