apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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