the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's blow job season.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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