I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
