Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
