That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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