my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
