I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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