the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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