True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
