Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
