I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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