So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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