i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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