Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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