Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
