So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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