You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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