We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
