I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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