if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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